Friday, September 30th, 2005
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9:42 pm - meh
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ricibe mis picturas hoy. estos son tonto, no me gusta. i like writing in spanish. it is fun. hmmm. bored. hmmmmmm. life = stupid. blarg. i had this really deep feeling like i just had to write something, and now i just can't feel the words.... sad isn't it. pitty party for the sydney woot. no. not at all. caio.
be peace
current mood:  cynical
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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3:13 pm - esspresso + caramel = the good
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hmmm, it has been an eternity hasn't it. well life turns in circles i guess, but who am i to compair my life to the world. the milo has a clean and unsmelly basement and that is fun. i wonder if lansing-san will check this sence we were talking about it the other day... i would giggle if he did, but i giggle about alot of things so i suppose it wouldn't be that memorable. i skiped my logic class today... i won't know what is going on tomarow and will fail the class because of it. on a brighter note i got 4.0s on both of my philosophy essays. balance baby, groovy, ya.... hmmmm. that is all. ciao
be peace
current mood:  geeky
current music: jonny cash covering 'personal jessus' by depesh mode. odd..
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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10:52 am - i broke me
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i broke me today
lost control and slamed the door
fell fast to the floor
and broke me right in half
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Monday, April 18th, 2005
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10:58 am - happiness
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happiness is like peeing. you have to look around inside yourself for that one spot that will get things started. if you find it there is a rush of reliefe and well being, but if you can't find it you are left with a pain in your gut that you have to carry around for a while until you try to take a piss again.
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Friday, April 15th, 2005
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10:42 pm - autitorium
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hollowed halls of stone and seats
of lights and love
sparkels and kisses and costume changes
running and skipping and rolling
of laughs and screams and flying monkies
of love and birthdays and ushering
of purple hair and wadeling
of death from to much sex
houses, and roads, and enchanted forests
tears and sweat and love and art
music from sweet jazzy pianos
and that funky bass line
of tapping heals and chalky toes
of comfort and safety
a breath of life
living love in the walls
rich and fattly fed on teenage angst
and artistic release
why still remanis? why still feel? why am i still questioning?
i feel like a fool.
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10:29 pm - constatly desperate
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this constant groping desperation. i don't know what it is for, but it seems to come from somewhere else, it is unearthly beautiful, full of pain of body and soul. like the images of jewish refugies in enternment camps. haunting and disgusting and sad and painful, but inherently beautiful, real and tangible, meaninglesness in life, but life still living. sick and twisted, i don't know.
i want something to do, some way to channel this energy. my family is sleeping otherwise i would be outside taking a sledge hammer to the shelves in the shed.
i am incomplete and instable, and therefore unsafe.
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9:50 pm - alone again
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empowerment. what a funny word. power; the ability or capacity to preform or act effectively. em-; to cause to be. -ment; means, instrument, or agent of an action or process.
therefore...
empowerment; the ability or capacity to cause an act effectively, through means of instrument or an agent, to begin or create an action or process.
i suppose that is just about right. gives a new spin on the idea of 'self empowerment'
on the other hand
powerless - power; the ability or capacity to preform or act effectively. -less; unable to act or be acted on in a specified way.
therefore...
powerless; the inability or incapactiy to be acted on in a specified way.
don't we all seem a little confused....
current mood:  discontent
current music: devided - tegan & sarah
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Sunday, March 13th, 2005
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9:33 pm
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i am sad because you don't act the way you used to with me. i need you more than before and i try to tell you the only way i know how, and you stand imoble, and i sink into the ground.
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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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7:05 pm - poets wish
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that happy little tingle is passing into a guilty little knot. but i can't shake this feeling of hope and breathing. i wonder if it had been a different time if i would have found it easier. he won't even talk to me. i think i should talk to him, break his heart. or keep it to myself and hope that it will pass. but that resentment i will carry with me, and it is to easy to bring up again. still he is not responding.
current mood:  giddy
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11:58 am
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"so here we are, all of us standing around, leaning heavy on each other always wondering what is it that lies behind the worried eyes of one another."
but we don't stand around anymore, and we never bothered to look into eachothers eyes, we were all worried for the wrong reasons, and so i wonder if we will ever be brave enough to lean on one another again.
it is sad but it is true
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Friday, March 4th, 2005
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2:35 pm - so many relizations, so little time
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once again i wrap myself in a warm familiar blanket of discomfort. but what else is new. anger. thats new, sort of.
i cried in yoga. the room was dark, and i hurt inside and out and i just cried, hot tear after hot tear. and i left with an emptiness that hasn't left my side yet, but has been slowly filling with hate, and malice, and injustice. i think i am really angry with myself for being so fake, for not saying things that i should, and saying things i shouldn't. i wonder if he would still like me if he knew, cuz that is the only thing that makes me think about it, and the only thing that makes me stop. i hate being cryptic and i hate being melodramatic and ... fuck it i don't talk to any of you anymore anyway.
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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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9:08 pm - self medication
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I am a manic depresenct with an addiction
People are my drug of choice
When they loose their thrill
The decent from peek is wind in my hair
Tolerances built up, after months of abuse
A search for stronger self medication
I wonder if they have a group for this
Then again
They don't serve Alcohol at AA meatings
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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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9:23 pm - i don't know what to say
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i am sick of being called anti-social. i am sick of being pressured. i am sick of things being forced upon me. i am sick of almost everything in my life. i suppose this is why i can never really settle down in life, i just get bored and uncomfortable. either i shrink in my skin and get lost in it, or i grow out of it and it pulls me tight and restraint. i can never be comfortable, i never allow myself to be comfortable. all i can grasp is a hope for the future and a dream of what would make things better. maybe that is really what any of us have, that is why we do anything that we do. trying to prepare ourselves to grasp that comfortable prefection confection of a dream.
current mood:  groggy
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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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6:28 pm - They call it enlightenment for a reason
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A nwe and vibrant idea shmmered infront of my eyes. Everything that i do or hate about myself is all about self control and self empowerment (or so oprah calls it). it can all boil down to these things. sad isn't it. i feel weighted down. my head used to feel heavy and full, and my body light and bendible, a thing that would fly away in the wind. not i feel my center more my gut is where the concentration of weight is, and my mind feels empty and useless. like a glass about to get smashed. and i feel the need to kick and scream to decieve eveyone into shrinking away from me. there is nothing i covet, or hold sacred anymore, nothing i can yell and kick and scream about. no reason to pound my body from desperate need. i can sound like anything and anyone, so how do you or i know who i am. maybe i am just a nothing, a tool for anothers reality.
i made is eyes sparkle
current mood: uncomfortable
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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4:21 pm - i was left here in my stark-raving sick sad little world.. ha!
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'i'm making a choince to be out of touch' 'you better be careful or you'll compramise eveything you are'
'my intention a bullet and by body a triger finger' 'whats the world with being happy, true love is for those who see through sickness' 'who are you, when will you be through' 'call it women's intuition but i think i'm on to something here temporaryism has been the back bone and the jessus of our age'
incubus is bloody fucking loverly puppydogsand flowers brilliant under a twisted half moon reflected on the black silent water kind of band. yes. i win.
i want to talk philosophy with someone, whant to talk of love and life, and destiny, and pain, and purpose, and all the things we cannot see. and yet i feel i have exhausted all of it to the point of boredom and am happy and content to be ignorant and dull, and yet i hate ignorant and dull
and life is a cotradiction in terms for what we call life is really us dieing
and ... and......................
what is beyond? ohhhhh ahh ahhh haa aaah haah.
AHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG! lalalalalalalala. i am happy and bouncy and yet frustraited. i don't know anything lalalalalalala
current mood: bouncy
current music: incubus lots and lots of incubus
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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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10:50 pm - seacret green dream deep inside
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A scream for desperation
With hot life that fills the lungs
A grasp at something greater
Like water that slips away
Slimy residue left behind
The infinate in pinpoints of eyes
Held inside one person encompasses in all
With nothing but slime
To show for the effort
The wanting of one thing
Becomes the need for another
The rule of greed
And the basis of needs
Passion in the fire
That guides no one at all
Fed by everyone at nothing
The love of a world
That fucks every cry
Hot vapors that boil the water away
Pardon me if you think it silly
To hold water with open hands
But with clean extremedies
Theres nothing to show for it al all
The wanting of one thing
Becomes the need for another
The rule of greed
And the basis of needs
Excuse me if you think it silly
To hold water with open hands
But to keep clean extremedies
Nothing becomes worth it at all
current mood:  jubilant
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Monday, December 13th, 2004
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8:52 pm - i wish
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my wish is, for just a moment to fluant my naked ness and watch the faces turn.
"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace an love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love."
-Kahlil Gibran 'the Prophet'
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Saturday, December 11th, 2004
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11:06 pm - well hello old chum
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i have found a new love affair in ella fitzgerlad. i have re-found my love with my family. i have found the love that is solitude. i have found love in lonliness. Why? because when you are alone your love is dememded from no-one and belongs to everyone. The front that i used to put up has slowly worn away, and i was left standing naked for the world. i prefer my veil, so now i must re-weave it, this time i can make it fit properly.
i still have a love for metaphors.
the one love i understand.
current mood:  artistic
current music: Lets do it - ella fitzgerald
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Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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8:58 pm - life is something i should be doing, but am not
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i have that feeling of longing again. to create something, destroy something. i don't really know. a longing for a connection something that reaches beyond. even for just a bit. just a drop from the ocean to enlarge my pond. but for the life of me i can't find that drop. i just don't have the will to to squeeze the damned rag anymore. maybe that means that my longing isn't as bad as i really think it is. i am shaking with anticipation, it never comes so the shaking just continues and it makes my world rattle and drives me to insanity. i can feel myself shake, coming from just under the surface. this is one of those rare times where i want to go get high, or drunk just for the posibility that my warped perception could drag along my druged brain just far enough to still my quivering. just for a taste of something beyond me, trancended. that thing that makes my nose tingle and my eyes water when i hear 'echo' by incubus. that thing that pulls me so hard in the gut when i read Rumi. The thing that makes me jump and thrash to music with radical hope. the thing that makes my world spin in my head right before i fall asleep. the thing that hypnotises me when i watch the treas. it is just there, and i just can't reach it.
current mood:  cold
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Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
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3:25 pm - a few confessions
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i havn't felt very close to my friends.
i have a crush on my poli. sci. teacher and his silly little voice.
casey still makes me giggle.
i still dream about going home.
i'm not as modest as i was.
i havn't practiced my religion in a long time.
i want everyone to know things about me, but i don't want to tell them, so i write in here.
i guess i am a drama queen
and so his appeal grows
current mood: chipper
current music: big trucks - pedro the lion
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